10.27.2019

Icy Cranberry Margaritas


"A promise must never be broken." - Alexander Hamilton

This Sunday was a great change of pace for me, considering all that's happening. Yes, it was just a normal Sunday at my parents' farm, but it just felt different.

I felt like I could breathe again!

I was relaxed, laughed, talked, ate great food, had awesome drinks, played with my pets...

I could tell that my parents were feeling better too. My Dad didn't seem like he was walking on eggshells around me, and my Mom was actually having a normal conversation with me, not touching on anything that's going on. We all even spoke about future travel plans, such as maybe possibly going to Alaska in the Spring!

Once I was back at my house, I didn't feel like things were crashing down on me, for a change. I still felt happy, positive even! It's already even 9:00pm here, and I'm still riding that positivity high, no joke. I'm settling down for the night, and I'm actually looking forward to this new work week. There are a lot of big things happening at work this week, and I feel ready to face whatever's thrown at me.

I'd call today a tiny victory! I know, it could be one step forward and five steps back, but, I have to recognize that I took that one step forward. Hoping there's more to come!


Icy Cranberry Margaritas
adapted from: New Cook Book 14th Edition by Better Homes and Gardens

*makes: 6 servings*

Ingredients:
1/2 cup frozen cranberry raspberry juice blend concentrate, thawed
1/2 cup gold tequila
1/4 cup triple-sec liqueur
3 tbsp melon liqueur
5 cups ice cubes

Directions:
1) In a blender combine cranberry raspberry juice concentrate, tequila, triple-sec, and melon liqueur.
2) Cover and blend until combined.
3) With blender running, add ice cubes, one at a time, through opening in lid, blending until mixture becomes slushy.
4) Pour into glasses.


10.26.2019

Hot Spiced Cider


"Where is all the knowledge we lost with information?" - T.S. Eliot

As each day passes, I've come more to terms with what's happening, but, more and more questions pop into my mind each day.

Why wasn't I given a real chance? Why is it so easy for him to do this? Why isn't he showing any emotions? Does this really not hurt him? Did almost nine years mean nothing to him? What's wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough? Do I deserve this for some reason? Does true love not exist? Does romance and finding your person only exist in the movies? When am I going to feel better? When will the pain go away? When will I love myself again?

Screw it.

I'm just going to say it, although I'm sure you've been able to figure it out by now.

Divorce.

That's what I'm going through.

About one month ago now, about mid-September, A decided he wanted a divorce. Sure, things hadn't been all rainbows and butterflies for some time, but I honestly didn't think it had come to this point. I always thought that if things got bad, we would have spoken about what was happening, maybe even do a trial separation if it was needed, before ever jumping to divorce.

My parents have been married since July 1980, dated for who knows how long before that, and that's what I grew up seeing and wanting... I mean, I even married in the Church (we're Catholic), and met the Pope, who gave us his blessing...

I just can't wrap my mind around things...

Every day is a struggle, mostly because I'm just broken, and I don't feel like I'm deserving of anything or anyone. I have my parents' support, which is a big plus right now in my life, but between A getting ready to move out, and putting our home for sale, starting the whole divorce process, and just trying to remain strong on the exterior... I'm just exhausted.

I want to just, be.

Soon, I guess...

I know it's a process, and I know I'll heal over time, and come out stronger...

Rome wasn't built in a day, right??


Hot Spiced Cider
adapted from: New Cook Book 14th Edition by Better Homes and Gardens

*makes: 8 servings*

Ingredients:
64 oz 100% apple juice
1/8 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/8 cup packed light brown sugar
2 3" sticks cinnamon
1 tsp whole allspice
1 tsp whole cloves
1 tsp navel orange zest

Directions:
1) In a large sauce pan combine juice, brown sugars, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, and the orange zest.
2) Bring to boiling; reduce heat.
3) Simmer, covered, for 10 minutes.
4) Serve cider in mugs (and make sure to strain it as you serve).

10.18.2019

Greensleeves Smoothie


"I can, therefore I am." - Simone Weil

To be honest with everyone, I really didn't think I would come back on here. And, it wasn't just a case of writer's block. Trust me. I have pictures and posts dating back to probably 2014 that haven't seen the light of day, and many still are even on my camera's memory card.

Let's just say, life really hasn't been easy since the last time I posted something.

I still don't think I'm 100% ready to really talk about what's been going on, but I know I have to start somewhere and reclaim my life... and heal.

Healing. It's not easy, is it?

One day you wake up, and you realize you're not "you" anymore. You lost yourself in a relationship, you lost your essence, you're a ghost of who you were at one point in your life. You can also find yourself truly lost, without friends, without anyone really that can really understand what you're going through and how you're feeling. Sure, my parents are there for me, and I appreciate everything they've been trying to do for me, but I still don't feel like I even understand what I'm feeling right now. It's like I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster, with my stomach in my throat.

I've always been so good at compartmentalizing my life and thoughts, keeping my private life and my work life separate, not letting anyone in on what might be going on outside of work, but for the past month, what's going on in my private life is just like a cloud in my mind that's even making it hard to focus at work. I have emotional outbursts, I cry, I run out to the bathroom to just be by myself... But then, there are days where I'm so in my zone at work that I kind of feel normal again, like something is going right in my life, like I'm appreciated, and then 3:30pm hits, I clock out, and it all comes crashing down, and by the time I'm back home, I just want to cuddle with my dog and cat and sit there and hope that the night passes quickly to just go back to work the next day.

Baby steps. 

I know it's going to be a process... Nine years isn't something you can just wake up and move on from. It's, nine years of my 30. It was, stability, success, a sense of personal accomplishment... a home.

But, baby steps.

I know I can write things on here that may or may not be read by anyone, but it'll be a great place for me to vent about what's going on, when I'm ready to really announce what happened.

This will be my public safe space, which I know sounds like it's contradicting itself, but, I hope it still makes sense.

Good thing is, in the meantime, as I heal, and gather myself, and make myself into an improved version of myself, I have tons of recipes and pictures to share. It all kind of worked itself out, as I haven't been cooking much lately. My parents have been my personal delivery/catering service, which has really left me time to muddle through my thoughts and figure out the baby steps that I need to take.

I apologize if this post didn't make any sense, but, please know, that I will be posting more, for better or worse.

I might not have an audience, as I know blogging has become such a mainstream thing lately and there are so many other sites out there that may catch your eye more, or maybe express themselves better, or have professional-quality pictures, and have tons of "in season" posts, but all I can guarantee you is that I'm going to be real, and raw, and a person. Hell, I've never really been one to follow the trends anyway!

I hope everyone understands, and can be supportive.


Greensleeves Smoothie
adapted from: Smoothies! by Stella Murphy

*makes: 1 smoothie*

"Dark and velvety green, this will give you an instant kick."

Ingredients:
2 tsp spirulina
4 oz 100% lactose free 2% milkfat reduced fat milk
4 3/4 oz all natural nonfat Greek strained yogurt
1 banana, peeled and chopped
1 tbsp clover honey

Directions:
1) Put all of the ingredients in the blender and blend until smooth.
2) Pour into a glass and serve chilled.